The Chronicles of a Lusus Naturae

marmelc@yahoo.com — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 16:35:11 GMT

I wonder...

.... if he ever stops and thinks about me.

I wonder when he wakes up in the morning...

... if he randomly imagines me lying there, beside him.

I wonder if he remembers...

.... how it felt to hold my hand, have my head on his shoulders
... what my laugh sounded like
.... how my smile looked like

Because I sure do

Wonder

After all this time. After all those months. You never really left my head. You're still there.
Still there.
And I can hate you. And curse you. And damn you to hell. But you're always going to be there. And I know, I just know, that you don't think about me.
Which sucks for me. Big time.

I've tried to explain to myself why you're still in my head. Tried to rationalize things. Tried to make some sort of logical structure to something I thought I could easily get away from. Maybe there is no explanation. Maybe there is, and I just need to look harder. But right now I got nothing. Nothing but a mixture of self-loath and self-pity.

I've missed you since the day you left. I told you that once.

I can still hear our conversations in my head.
I can still see our intimate rendezvous in my head.
I can still feel the tears sting my eyes after I saw what I saw.
I can still feel wanting you so bad... and hating you so bad... at the same time.

I don't know. And maybe I'll never know, why you have this effect on me. Why you're this powerful to me.

I guess, you caught me at a bad time.
Because then, I was desperate. Desperate to get out. Desperate to do something else.
Desperate to fall in love again.

And then you came along. In all of your charming glory. And I tried to resist you. I really did.
And looks like someone, finally beat me at my own game.
And I lost.

So I pushed you away. I pushed you away when I should have just let things go with the flow.
And I've never been okay since then.
Since then I've been nothing but making messes out of every potential or new guy I meet.

You never took the time to know me.
You never took the time to understand.

And I was a coward to not face you, and confront you about it.
But I hope you understand. I was in pain.
And I see it now. The reason why I got hurt so much.

It was because I was falling in love with you.
And you made me feel like I was the world's biggest idiot for falling in love with you.
And it never is a great feeling to feel like the world's biggest idiot.

In my unending quest to find myself

marmelc@yahoo.com — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 03:38:32 GMT

Your element: Fire

Your ruling planets: The Sun

Symbol: The Lion

Your stone: Peridot

Life Pursuit: To lead the way

Vibration: Radiant Energy

Leo's Secret Desire: To be a star

Description:
Love triumphs over all for this sign, which is ruled by the heart and operates from this dimension too. Leo's are born fortunate. Charismatic and positive-thinking they attract not only an abundance of friends and opportunities, but manage to survive life's stormy times with style and good humour.

Once a Lion is committed to a relationship, they are totally devoted and faithful. Should their heart or trust be broken they never forgive or forget. When a relationship breaks down (even a long standing one) they can disappear into the sunset without a backward look. Leos can cut ties, and leave others heartbroken, but usually there is a good reason why they have broken a tryst. For a Leo, when a relationship is over, really over, it is over for good.

There are three levels of soul-evolution of the Leos. The highest is represented by the Sphinx; wise beyond their years and great teachers to others. The second is the Lion, King of the Jungle, ruled by ego but always protective and sustaining of those they love. The last is the Lion Cub, immature and undeveloped, frightened by anything new. These Leos cling to others (in the mode of the child not wanting to leave its mother's side).) They can't bear to be alone.

No matter what level they have attained, all Leos are trendsetters, leaders and adventurers. Their weakness is their pride. This is one sign where the saying "flattery will get you everything" applies, but be warned criticism will slam the relationship door right in your face.

Day 2

marmelc@yahoo.com — Wed, 06 May 2009 22:56:20 GMT

There I was, waking up to what I have come to expect as another heart-tugging day. It really doesn't help that he's still there... in my head... just taking his merry time floating around in my everyday thoughts. The day turned out not as bad as I thought it would be. Paulo "BJ" picked me up for lunch and just seeing his motorcycle again gave me such an itch that all throughout lunch I just ended up eating my food quietly and kept staring at the TV until BJ nudged me over with a look that said "I know you want to get on that motor bike"

What can I say, the man had fantastic perception :)

So we left lunch early where he ended up taking all of my stuff as I drove his bike around Tanjay all through the highway. When I told him that I ended up in the highway he was like "If I had known you were going to go there I wouldn't have allowed you to ride my bike"

The feeling of speed and wind was enough to distract me for a bit but then I had to go back to work. I'm hoping BJ gets to pick me up again for lunch so that I can practice some more on his bike. Oh great, after the end of 6 weeks here I'm going to be wanting a bike.

Another thing happened that sort of cheered me up. I was just about to start the lessons for Sacho (one of Sir Francisco Manalo's sons) when Sir came up and said "hey, let the lessons wait. We're going off-road driving" and I had to blink twice and say "you mean now? like right now?" and he nodded his head and Sacho and Isabel came with for the ride.

The best part? I get to drive.

So we drove around his farm in his 4x4 Ford Ranger where we went through forests and rivers and wet uphills (because it had been raining) and all the while their dog Ash running beside (and most of the time in front) of the car and it was just lovely to see this dog looking so happy and healthy. At some point, cause we stopped by an area where there was a small river, he jumped in and just swam downstream then came back out and barked for us to join him.

It made me miss Lance very much. He would have probably loved running around that big open field chasing the random chickens and goats we saw on the way.

The surprising thing was when we got back. Now I left my phone in my room (you never know what could happen during an off-road driving session. Especially if the driver in question is doing it for the first time) and imagine my surprise when I saw that he called. Twice. I was kind of happy I went off road driving.

So to make a long story short we talked last night. And I still hate how I just automatically respond in certain ways that probably made him feel all superior like again. I really need to check myself before I speak. It's just he sparks such an argumentative side of me sometimes I just can't help but jump again. It was great to hear his voice again, I'm not going to deny that but somehow I'm beginning to pick on our conversations on things on which I don't really think is attractive anymore.

Or maybe this is me doing another Franz-Deri letting go thing. Where I try to find things to not like about somebody to push the feeling of like away. I told Michelle I'm putting him in my Poch department and it kind of hurts that I have to put him there. It's just I am so ready to try this whole relationship thing out where for once I'd like to feel how it's like to be with someone who's here. But I don't believe I should settle for less. Because why should I? Should I? I think when it comes to something this big I don't think I should settle for less. Might as well be alone then be stuck with someone you'll just end up tearing your hair out for. Oh well. I'm young. I've still got so much more to experience, so much pain to feel, so much more pleasure to feel.

I'm really trying my best to just go with the flow. Take this as it is. Maybe by not expecting anything something good will come out of it.

He's still in my head though. I need to get him out of there at some point.

Day 1

marmelc@yahoo.com — Tue, 05 May 2009 21:35:39 GMT

So last night I decided to stop figuring it out, but stopping myself from figuring it out doesn't stop me from thinking about him. It got worst to a point that I had to actually bring him up today through a text message I sent Ryze -- "I don't think he's going to school here. He seemed to have lost interest" -- and it also didn't help that she replied with -- "are you sure? because we just chatted at FB and he's just waiting for his mom to send over his documents. He might not be able to enroll on the 1st semester though so it might be the 2nd sem instead" --

I had to stop myself from replying back with something sarcastic which would have been the predicted reaction from me. But yeah... I really need to draw the line here between not figuring it out and thinking about him. I hate how I still think about him. Sometimes I hate not knowing what the answers are. They can put your mind at such ease. Michelle tells I should just find a distraction in the form of other men. What other men? It does not play to my advantage that I am very picky with the men a cohort myself with (am I even allowed to use that word? Cohort?)

I've been going through the 22 years of my life taking in traits I would like my man to have and taking traits out that later on I figured out I didn't like. He just has HAS to be witty. I need to be able to bounce my words on him and he needs to be able to bounce his words off me. I even think of it as a challenge if they're witty-er so that way I'm forced to scrap my head with something better to say or do. And he has to be funny. I cannot stand to be around a guy who cannot, for the life of him or hell take mine as well, make me laugh. I need to laugh ever single day. Ever single hour. It is my air. My food. My water. I need to be able to throw my head back or ROFL my way to oblivion. I need to be able to really smile every single day.

He also needs to have a fantastic command on the English language. I'm not saying I have fantastic command at it but that's the thing, practice makes perfect. If I practice myself around him I can be as good as him (or why stop at that? BETTER than him). And I want my man to be intelligent. I'm not saying bookish wise or whatever. Like smart, he knows what he's talking about and knows when to back off when he knows the topic at hand is something he's not familiar with.

I can't find my other men because even if they have 2 of the traits I want they always lack one. I mean I wish there was someone I could put to par him with but there isn't so right now I'm stuck endlessly entertaining thoughts of him when I'm not busy.

And I hate it.

Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

I went through one whole day of not texting him (not that the day was a total success because I checked out his FB profile. He logged in so he's still alive. God I feel like such a stalker) but I really am trying to push him out of my head. To not over analyze. Actually I'm beginning to think I should just not analyze at all. I could try that. See if it works.

At least I can go through one whole day and not go crazy. I think I've done enough first moves on my part and I must convince myself that this time its his move and if he likes me or wants me he'll make a move at some point. If it doesn't happen then that's my sign. He's just not into me.

God why do I end up liking and wanting the men that I can't have? Either the circumstances won't make me have them or they don't want me back (which is much worst)

Second day... I wish myself luck...

The voices in my head

marmelc@yahoo.com — Sun, 03 May 2009 00:42:33 GMT

I feel like an idiot. Ever since Jersey landed in my country I've been feeling like an idiot. How many mind games can a person take? How much pushing and pulling can I take in? The worst part is this is probably just all me. I bet you, no, I know, that this hasn't bothered him one little bit.

I feel like an idiot because I can't get him out of my head.
I feel like an idiot because when I find something I know he likes or has a big chance of him liking it I have to stop myself from grabbing my phone and texting him about it. Like last night, I found a store that sold Coronas and I couldn't help but smile and I was "this" close to grabbing my phone and telling him I found a store that sold the beer he kept looking for when he was here.
I feel like an idiot because I miss him everyday and I tell myself I shouldn't because he probably does not miss me back and this is just all me.
I feel like an idiot because I count the text messages and the phone calls that he's made and that I've made (and mind you mine is always more than his) and it saddens me when I realize yet again that I've done more.
I feel like an idiot because I can't figure him out. He's like a medical case presentation where I have my differentials and I eliminate them one by one and just when I think I have my definitive diagnosis, he gives out another symptom and I topple back to my differentials.
I feel like an idiot because he's so random and I cannot predict him and although there's a side of me that tells me that it's actually a good thing, it's frustrating to deal with that feeling everyday.

He tells me I'm a moody person which is laughable because my friends here would say the exact opposite. I'm only moody with him because yes, I kind of need to know where the hell this is going. DEFINITION. I think that's what I want. If I am just a fling tell me. At least I know exactly how to feel. He does some actions that eliminate the fling differential but then does other actions that put it back in. That's why I'm thinking that its better for him to go back to where he belongs.

I have friends telling me that I should just enjoy the moment. You met an awesome guy who did awesome things and is awesome to be around. Enjoy, but know that it's going to end and just let it go. I get that, I'm fine with that, it would have been fantastic that my last memory of being with him was when he kissed me good bye in the middle of a crowd in SM and I would have placed that memory in my box of life.

But no. It just had not to end like that. He just had to keep extending, and come back, and extend again. It's called a moment because that's what it is. A MOMENT. A small fraction of time from the long stretch of time we have in our life. If you have a series of "moments" with one person then that's not a moment anymore. It's something else and it's trying to figure out what that something else is that's eating me alive. I kind of need to be told what's going on. What this is. What that is. What color the sky is. What the hell are you doing?

If this is nothing to you, tell me.

If you're just not into me, tell me.

So that I'll be free from having to constantly think about you, and want you, and miss you. Sending a text saying Jersey boys are here to teach Cebu girls to not settle for less can make you only more ambiguous than you already are.

I feel like an idiot because I am so attracted to you, drawn to you, charmed by you, that if there is nothing at the end of the rainbow, I feel like an idiot because it's going to hurt like a bitch.

Comes the Dawn

marmelc@yahoo.com — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 12:10:27 GMT

After awhile you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head held high and your eyes wide open.

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

You learn to build your roads

On today because tomorrow's ground

Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have

A way of falling down in midflight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine

Burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate

Your own soul, instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure,

That you really are strong.

And you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn...and you learn

With every goodbye you learn.

(Veronica A. Shoffstall)

really now?

marmelc@yahoo.com — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 21:56:21 GMT

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

really now?

marmelc@yahoo.com — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 21:41:40 GMT

<table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#EEEEEE" align=center>

The Keys to Your Heart
</td></tr>
<tr><td bgcolor="#FFFFFF">
<center><img src="http://www.blogthingsimages.com/keystoyourheartquiz/heart.jpg" height="100" width="100"></center>

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. 
 
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. 
 
You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. 
 
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. 
 
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. 
 
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. 
 
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. 
 
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.
</td></tr></table>
<div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/keystoyourheartquiz/">What Are The Keys To Your Heart?</a></div>

The world has lost it's mind

marmelc@yahoo.com — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 11:28:02 GMT

Daddy made an unexpected announcement last week, since we were deprived of education and work on this particular Monday, why not spend it at Shangrila? Hey, who am I to complain, if I could hack into a Swiss back account I'd MOVE to Shang. So my half a weekend was spent lounging around topless (my back. Unfortunately my breast is something I reveal to the world if I wanted to scare migrating avians with bird flu away) on the beach, running on the treadmill and cooking myself naked in the Sauna room. Yes, I'm beginning to think I have a love affair with nakedness but I will stop about the naked blog right here so as to not scar you for life.

It is official. Shangrila is my pick up place (the world has gone mad! Mel?! Getting picked up?! Are you mentally ill?!). Now I have deliberately worn my glasses throughout the entire Shangrila escapade and I do not, let me stress that out, DO NOT look anywhere near to attention grabbing when I'm wearing my glasses (which was the particular goal of said event), plus the fact that I've got this nasty inflammation on my left eye that makes me look like Quasimodo minus the hunch back. My glasses were a way to hide the fact that if I took them off I would have probably cleared the beach of any life form. I was doing the world I favor. I really was. I have a sort of ritual when I go to Shang which is, I always snorkel towards the platform (yep, you heard me right. The same platform where Deri and I first met) and I love doing that not only because the amount of marine life you see on the way to the platform is amazing to behold but also because I am one of those few people who love to be alone. I adore being alone. I relish the fact of my solitude (then again, when you've got a number of odd characters in your head, being alone isn't exactly lonely). I usually spend 30 to an hour just lying there (topless???? maybe.....) and trying to see if I'll get hypothermia any time soon.

So there I was, lying on the platform with my feet (that's got flippers on them) dangling on the water just playing around when a guy comes up on my platform. It took two hi's, a dive, a circle around the platform, another climb on the platform and two more hi's for a conversation to start. Not that bad (considering the man didn't get much of my humor which is a very sad thing). It was on the very same platform that when I went to Shang last time I also got picked on/up (what's the difference?) by a 23-year old American boy (I think all males are boys until they hit 80 where they transcend to pseudo-men). So that aside, we had a conversation and it was a good way to deter me from the voices in my head. I ended it by jumping off the platform (cause I reserved a massage for my grandmama and me at 6:15) and so snorkeled my way back to shore and to my observant father and grandmother who had apparently been keeping an eye on me. Now image my utter surprise when my sister ran up to me and told me that John (that was his name) had apparently talked to her before swimming off to the platform. Apparently he had asked her "where is your sister?" (because I had been doing life guard duty to my annoying little sister who tagged along to the beach with me, which isn't normal because she's the pool type). Now, after my little sister surprised me with this bit of information she ran off again saying "I want to talk to John!" and came back telling me that John wanted my email number (in which I suspect he said email and phone number in which my sister mixed it up). Let's just say that I'm thankful my sister is horrible at memorizing phone numbers.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, the world has indeed gone mad. (now if I manipulate it juuuuust right I might be able to turn it into Melville. WORLD DOMINATION! *evil laugh*)

Luke here if you know my heart

marmelc@yahoo.com — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 08:40:51 GMT

Am I too late to take back everything that I've said?

Have I lost you in my moment of weakness?

Will you forgive me for failing to be strong?

Can you still love me for being honest?

I cry not because your not here

The tears truly fall because I'm not there

Hold you when you think the world is against you

Love you when you think no one does

When butterflies and zebra's keep you company at night

Do you think of me?

When the stars go blue, realize

My heaven on earth is falling asleep with you

Where I go when I'm lonely is to the surface of the moon\

Where do you go when your lonely?

I hope to see you there soon

No one told us it would be easy

We fight the whole world to keep our hearts alive

Hell has become our playground

But these souls the devil can never own

These souls that are forbidden to love

These souls that are forbidden to hug

These souls that are forbidden to lie,

In each other's arms yet are the souls that refuse to say goodbye

This soul that adores your devil may care laugh

This soul that smiles at every little thing you do

This soul that drowns every single time in your eyes

This soul that loves you because your you

The poets are wrong

There is a fate worst than death

Of a love meant to be strong

But gives way to the world's regret

He desires to other love

She desires no other

He's convinced that he's doing the right thing

She closes her eyes every night to hear her heart shatter

Another day... another day...

Is to bearly get by

Another day... another day...

Another night to cry

I miss you is an understatement

This intensity cannot be described

To be punished for my lack of judgement

For the words that I let fly

This poem is an apology

This poem is a confession

This poem is my soul searching

This poem is my realization

Am I too late to take back everything that I've said?

Have I lost you?

victory of the sappy side

marmelc@yahoo.com — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 06:02:31 GMT

50 Romantic things to do 4 your Boy/Girl Friend

1. Watch the sunset together.

2. Whisper to each other.

3. Cook for each other.

4. Walk in the rain.

5. Hold hands

6. Buy gifts for each other.

7. Roses.

8. Find out their favorite cologne/perfume and wear it every time you're together.

9. Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight.

10. Write poetry for each other.

11. Hugs are the universal medicine.

12. Say only when you mean it and make sure they know you mean it.

13. Give random gifts of flowers/candy/poetry etc.

14. Tell her that she's the only girl you ever want. Don't lie!

15. Spend every second possible together.

16. Look into each other's eyes.

17. Very lightly push up her chin, look into her eyes, tell her you love her, and kiss her lightly.

18. When in public, only flirt with each other.

19. Put love notes in their pockets when they aren't looking.

20. Buy her a ring.

21. Sing to each other.

22. Always hold her around her hips/sides.

23. Take her to dinner and do the dinner for two d eal.

24. Spaghetti? (Ever see Lady and the Tramp?)

25. Hold her hand, stare into her eyes, kiss her hand and then put it over your heart.

26. Dance together.

27. I love the way a girl looks right after she's fallen asleep with her head in my lap.

28. Do cute things like write I love you in a note so that they have to look in a mirror to read it.

29. Make excuses to call them every 5 minutes

30. Even if you are really busy doing something, go out of your way to call and say I love you.

31. Call from your vacation spot to tell them you were thinking about them.

32. Remember your dreams and tell her about them.

34. Tell each other your most sacred secrets/fears.

35. Be Prince Charming to her par ents.

36. Brush her hair out of her face for her.

37. Hang out with his/her friends.

38. Go to church/pray/worship together.

39. Take her to see a romantic movie and remember the parts she liked.

40. Learn from each other and don't make the same mistake twice.

41. Describe the joy you feel just to be with him/her.

42. Make sacrifices for each other.

43. Really love each other, or don't stay together.

44. Let there never be a second during any given day that you aren't thinking about them, and make sure they know it.

45. Love yourself before you love anyone else.

46. Learn to say sweet things in foreign languages.

47. Dedicate songs to them on the radio.

48. Fall asleep on the phone with each other.

49. Stand up for them when someone talks trash.

50. Never forget the kiss goodnight and always remember to say, "Sweet dreams."

An angry blog

marmelc@yahoo.com — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 05:59:59 GMT

Michael Clancy is an asshole personified.

Many of you may not know Michael Clancy but I have made mention of him in the ASEAN Business Summit. He was the Australian bastard who worked along side Craig and had nothing but negativity all through-out the summit. My disgust and anger towards Michael is not a one person thing. I have had people in the Ambassadors tell me how he was such a bloody motherfucker who disregarded other people's feelings and totally just thought he was God and could get away with anything (and that includes stepping all over people). I never liked Michael, he gave off a vibe I thought I could shake off after getting to know him better, but apparently getting to know him better only made you hate him more.

My anger right now is in defense of Craig. He is a good man, with a good heart and men of his kind are probably at the brink of extinction. I'm not sure if I've made mention that Craig's main "job" is running the charities he's got set-up here in the Philippines. He gives these street kids who scavenge at the garbage sites for food (Smokey Mountain. I kid you not.), live in cemeteries and children who sell themselves just so they can earn something that they are able to survive on, a chance to live. And not just to survive but to actually have a life. To be educated, to have a fighting chance against the world despite that fact that he/she was born deprived of that chance. Craig has given this "chance" back, defied whatever destiny was made for these children, a chance to change their future. He may not get all the children of the world but the mere fact that he's doing it one child at a time is a gigantic change in the life of this one child. One child who thought he could never learn to read. One child who thought he could never learn to write. To be educated. To have the tools to be able to turn his life around, to change his destiny.

Craig has invested so much of his time, his energy, his money, his skills into these charities all because he genuinely wants to help these children. He also works part-time for PBLF (Philippine Business Leaders Forum) and that entails him working with people. Now hear this, Craig works his ass off. I should know, I've seen him work that ass during the ASEAN (that did not come out right). If I was sleep deprived he was sleep deprived even more. I'm too upset to divulge in minute details but the run down on things is that. Craig works hard. Michael has made him promises and Michael has broken every single one. My anger here tonight is that Michael had the audacity to tell Craig that he was exploiting the poor.

Holy fuck, who the hell does he think he is? He has no right, no authority to judge Craig that way. Michael earns money for himself, for his own indulgence. Craig does it so that other people can benefit from it. What made him think that he can accuse Craig of that?

Michael you are a fucking asshole. You have no regard for other people's feelings or respect to people you should owe your life to. I hope you are extremely aware as to the amount of dislike people have towards you. You have no empathy, no manners, no subtlety to your actions. Your personality is disgusting, coarse, unrefined and blasé. How dare you? How dare fucking you? Just because you are a foreigner in my country does not give you any right to play God. It does not give you the right to judge someone on something whose surface you've barely scratched. You are damnable Michael. You should be shot. Craig never fails to mention on days when you have upset him. When once again you become your assholic self and end doing something idiotic that Craig has to clean up. He is aware as to how I don't understand why he still works for you. You don't deserve Craig. You don't deserve the amount of work he can do. He shouldn't be cleaning up your shit. If I had my way I'd shove your shit down your fucking esophagus.

Craig is my friend, a level in par of the Lusus. And an insult to my friend is an insult to me. I get upset when my friends get hurt. When they are wrongly accused and wrongly judged. If the judgment has no merit no substance whatsoever. If there is a superlative for "bastard", "asshole", "idiot" please let me know. For they are truly the right words, nay, the only words, that can ever be described to Michael.

My horrid realization

marmelc@yahoo.com — Thu, 10 May 2007 12:21:23 GMT

I've discovered something horrible about myself. I'm a pessimist when it comes to love, and I've been in denial of it. All this time I've apparently believed that there is no such thing as forever. Me constantly telling myself that there is was just my way of convincing myself of something that isn't there. There is no forever, or at least till the end of human existence, simply because it's too damn long. To just be brutally honest about it, we all get bored with consistency, and no matter how many ways there are to cook an egg, at the end of the day, it's still an egg. No matter how many variation or mixes we do in our relationships to "keep the spark alive" it's still an attention to the same person.

No one can love a person forever because at some point we all get bored. It's an evil I wish the world didn't have. It's an evil I wish the human mind didn't have. I am angry and upset with the fact that no one can love, truly love, a person forever. It's one of the reasons why couples fight. When they come to realize the realities of their fantasies, and oh boy is it different. What you thought you could have, or you could create suddenly blows up in your face that it's never going to happen. And this is one change the human mind, nay, the human heart tries to fight back with everything that it's got. Then again, why fight something that will always have the last word in the end? It's a loosing battle, because deep inside I think we all know there is no such thing as forever. People change. People get bored. People don't do well with a constant pattern. Some have given in to their fate, to this reality, abandoning the "forever-ness" of their relationships and finding other outlets to take away their boredom. Attention wanes. Show of love becomes less. You don't converse as much as you used to (because at some point you would have ended up covering every known conceivable topic on the planet).

I wish love always remained on the first stage. The stage where everything is so unsure. When you don't know if he was just being nice, or if there was a hidden meaning to what he said. When he calls you out of the blue to tell you random information if that was all that it was, just random. Or just tried to make it seem random. The mind games keep you up on your toes. The subtle, confusing feeling of crossing the line or not heightens something. Its like the quest of having to find treasure. The thought of finding it keeps everything else alive. Your conscious of everything around you because anything could be a clue.

I want forever in my life and I think that is my biggest problem. My image, my concept of love, being loved and in it is just so magnanimous that no man could ever live up to it. And somehow I refuse to change that concept, to make it less magnanimous so that at least somebody can reach it. I cannot find it in myself or in my heart to lower my standards because I know, I just know, that if I did it will never satisfy me. And that is one thing I will never cheat myself on. Love is suppose to be grand and that's how it should be treated. It's suppose to be able to stop time, and it should. It's never suppose to die. It's the only entity that is immortal.

It's freezing a moment where you wake up in the middle of the night and you find the man your falling in love with, reading a book right beside you with a glass of vodka coke, and you just wish that the feeling you felt when you woke up like that would just go on forever. But there is no forever is there? No. The moment moves on. The feeling transcends, changes. The exact feeling of that exact moment disappears. Because there is no forever...

Mel invades Argao (in a good way. No. Really.)

marmelc@yahoo.com — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 11:39:32 GMT

Today turned out to be quite enjoyable than expected. Was not really jumping up and down with glee when I had to wake up early for fear of missing the bus to Argao (and despite prior knowledge of Filipino punctuality I still held on to the small tinge of hope that maybe, juuuuuuust maybe, they might prove me wrong today. Apparently, I miscalculated yet again)

Today was my very first medical mission. It was actually an immersion for the nursing students and they all sort of decided to let us vet meds join in on the fun. I was the only incoming 5th year student in a very small group of senior clinicians. Hey, Dr. Laurente did say that incoming 5th years could join in on stuff like that and thought I'd get a head start by grabbing this opportunity by the balls (horns. whatever). Well apparently it was the very first time for the college of Veterinary Medicine to get invited to this immersion thing and I spent the entire trip on the way to Argao counting sheeps and talking to the shepherd in dreamville. You know how it's like in provincial towns. They put you in their school and they got us vet studs in one classroom with a sign outside that said "beterinaryo"

So there I was, eager first timer imagining all sort of things to happen like there would be a line of people carrying their pets and we'd all be scrambling in an attempt to be able to serve everyone and I'd satisfy myself senseless injecting rabies vaccinations and multivitamins and maybe even get to see, or on the long shot assist, in a castration surgery.

We ended up with no line. No clients. NO ONE. Mostly stuffing ourselves with budbudbud, mangoes and tsekwate (that the administrators sent to our room) which kinda made us feel guilty cause there we were, doing absolutely nothing except eat and nurse a shattered imagination (my shattered imagination anyway). So I sort of asked doc if we just could do house calls and give out the free services we were offering. At first the idea wasn't very well accepted but later on (like a few couple of minutes later) when I think they had accepted the fact that NO ONE was going to come that she agreed to the house call idea. So there we were, walking up inclined pathways with the sun beating on us mercilessly randomly invading people's houses every time we saw a dog lounging around or walking pass. It was pretty hilarious since most of the senior clinicians weren't exactly in the best shape to go hiking up mountains in the middle of the day. Let's just say my gym paid off. It came to a point that they started joking around that Dr. Laurente was rolling off the hill.

But we didn't walk the entire day. No we didn't. They later on provided us with a multicab service and a guide who knew the people there and if they had dogs or not. I helped out by just screaming "DOG!" everytime I saw one. At first I was a but hesitant to do the rabies shot but then I began to think "then what the hell am I doing here if I can't even practice injecting a stupid needle subcutaneously into a dog?!". So in the end I started to do it. And I got hook. I would insist on doing every single rabies vaccination and the senior clinicians (who have probably done this a gazillion times to a point that if they could delegate the task to someone else they would) sort of told me to knock myself out. I had so much fun "chasing" clients, not to mention finding them and sort of making friends with some of the dogs who weren't people fearful. I even gave multivitamins to 11 puppies and I don't know what or why but it just felt awesome.

I swear, if I am doing what I just did awhile ago for the rest of my life I will be a happy person. I relish on the simple feeling of watching the puppies swallow the vitamins and smack their lips up (because in all honesty the vitamins were sweet) and they all would just sort of wiggle and look as if asking for more. I know they're not foreign breed dogs but I love them still the same even if they're not. And there were some dogs right after I injected them that would let me pat their heads. And you have to understand, not all provincial dogs are inclined to strangers. They'd probably walk around and sniff you but if you try and pat them they'd run way. I guess they're not used to being touched a lot (which is sad cause I think every dog should be cuddled senseless). At one point this lady brought in a little goat thinking we could vaccinate it as well and the kid was just looking at us with this look like "what the fuck?!" and we had to tell her that we were only vaccinating dogs and cats.

One little incident happened that sort of made me feel good despite that fact that I shouldn't. It was when I was giving vitamins to 4 puppies while the rest of the senior clinicians and Dr. Laurente were already chilling at the back of the multicab waiting for me to finish. When I finished and started to walk away, the lady who owned the puppies said "Thank you doc" and a small chill run up my spine. The mere fact that she thought that I was a doctor was an even better feeling then when people come up to me and told me they saw me on T.V for the angelicum commercial we made. I corrected her of course, I told her I was still a student working my way to become a vet, that I was not a doctor... yet.

My first medical mission and I loved every second, every sweat and every rough patch of it. I hope for plenty more. Keep em' coming cause I would want to be in it in every single one

A meeting between two of my favorite men

marmelc@yahoo.com — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 06:21:13 GMT

I am feeling extermely giddy today (which I shouldn't be considering that today is the beginning of my deal to being back to square one. Don't ask). I brought my dad to the aiport today at the god-forsaken hour of four, so while zooming past pimps who were truly convinced that we were out at that time of night/morning to get laid by their overused products and having lost count as to the number of girls that were trying to flag down the Revo, me and my dad manage to squeeze in just enough ample quality time. Nowadays, I don't get to spend that much time with my dad (well, if you include the random lunches we have together in the house when we just happen to end up going home at the same time). Even weekends are not spared. I'm usually nowadays never with my family due to life. I wake up and their all gone. I get home and their all asleep. And the cycle goes on.

Anyway, seeing that I've already strayed from my point. Dad left for Manila for a 2 day seminar.

And tonight, my dad and Craig are meeting up.

The catch? I'm not going to be there to "facilitate". Hence me feeling giddy. You have to understand, these are two of my most favorite men on the planet. My dad knows Craig exists (he mummbled how he should grow up when I mentioned to him Craig's idea of staging a mock battle between Jollibee and McDonald's. This coming from the same person who said if the mock battle will push through, he will volunteer as a refree in his Darth Vader costume complete with a Light Saber). Craig knows my dad exists (biological reason would be enough at this point). I know Craig is a good person but dad has yet to asses that himself. I am dying of curiosty and frustration, wanting to know just how these two people interact. In a sense, I see my dad in Craig and I see Craig in my dad. I just know they share similarities that Daddy will refuse to acknowledge and will probably have my hide if I ever voice it out loud.

I would give a limb just to see how these two people will converse. How dad will act around Craig and how Craig acts around my dad. I pretty much know these two men very well yet somehow, I cannot seem to fathom how they will be around each other.

Now where the fuck can you buy those Harry Potter invisble cloaks?!

lessons I learned from Deri

marmelc@yahoo.com — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 12:15:54 GMT

I was on the phone with Luke a few minutes ago, light-hearted as the conversations always were, our topic strayed to that I should have been avoiding. Or have been refusing to acknowledge. I am beginning to regard relationships very carefully now (despite my care free nature that people seem to have associated me for). It's one thing to be broken up. It's totally another story to have your heart broken. And yes, I admit to the fact that this has happened more than once.

Sian said before that she hated picking up the pieces when I break. That apparently I can hide it so well, my heart would be bleeding and no one would ever know. It must be difficult, to be the one outside, watching a person break. Watching someone fight it, but then loosing miserably. I know. I've had my fair share of watching people I love get hurt by the people they've loved at a much intense level. It's not a very pretty sight.

So it got me thinking. I must have learned something from what I had let myself through. Something about friendships that turned into relationships. Of loving a person. Of loosing that person. Of loosing that love you have convinced yourself existed between the two of you. I know I did. Somehow my heart refuses to acknowledge the lessons. Because I think it knows that if I keep thinking about it, in the long run, with that much repetition in your heart, can turn any hopeless romantic cynical. I would hate to be cynical.

So I learned.

I learn that no matter how much a man says he loves you, he could always change his mind
I learn that the amount of love you give does not necessarily mean that the same amount is returned to you
I learn that you cannot change a man's mind once his heart is set on it
I learn that distance can make the heart forget

But what I truly found out from him was I how I loved. Now. At my current state of mind. Love is different when your younger. It's coarse and unrefined. Immature to the point of annoyance. But it's a necessary evil I guess. To go through something coarse so that you can come out anew. Probably the same concept as to how you have to be broken if you want to grow stronger. How you have to create mistakes to understand what is right. To experience death or lost to be able to embrace life.

I texted him this, on that night where I couldn't take it anymore. Where pretending to be his friend was slowly eating me alive inside that my heart begged for it to stop.

"I now know what I am within and after a relationship. I'm the all or nothing girl."

And in a statement, that summed me up. The all or nothing girl. When I was in high school I use to tell my friends that I would never give my all to someone. That I will always have something left for me, cause just in case it didn't work out, I wouldn't be as broken because he didn't take all of me.

But come to think ot it, that's selfish. Because you start it off with the inclination that it's all going to end at some point. That you never gave it a chance to begin with. I took a chance with Deri. I believed with everything that I had. I loved him without being selfish. And that my friends, did I find out what love was. That it's either everything or nothing. I know it sounds dangerous (because you COULD loose everything, but that's just it when it comes to love. It's one of life's greatest risk. Because you expose yourself to somone who can hurt you beyond anything the world has ever seen. You are giving him/her the power to turn you into dust. To shatter your very being. To destroy you beyond repair.

Because to truly love is to let go. To trust. To leap off a mountain with nothing but your belief that he is at the bottom waiting to catch you. To come so close to death yet at the same time reach just as close to heaven. There is no wrong or right. You'll just have to find out at the end of the fall.

That's probably one of my problems. I cannot stay friends with exes. Because in a sense, my trust has been shattered. Ergo. I have been betrayed. I fell but he left me bleeding at the bottom of the rocks with nothing but a wave of his hand and random shows of concern. That's not how it's done. At least, not in my world.

It's either you love me, or you don't.

It's either I.Love.You. or I won't. Because in Melville, in the heart of Melville, there is no middle ground.

I'm learning, that there are some things I can't go without

marmelc@yahoo.com — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 11:13:37 GMT

Five o’ clock and a fire escape symphony 
Spilling out across the road and the square 
And the sky’s the same as your own, do you think of me? 
Do the parks and trees and the leaves reach you there? 
After the rain, in the lonely hours he haunts me.... 
Calling out, again, and again.... 
Sophia, Sophia, I’m burning, I’m burning 
It’s a fire, a fire I cannot put out. 
Sophia, Sophia, I’m learning that some things 
I can’t go without 
And one of those is him. 

And now I walk these streets like a stranger in my home town, 
Learn the language, form the words when I speak. 
But he changed me, I’m his ghost since he came around 
Now I count the hours, and the days and the weeks..... 
In passion and silence, 
Every word, every line a measure 
It’s the science of the soul. 
And his books, they breathe a reason 
And now, I want to know..... 
Sophia, Sophia, I’m burning, I’m burning 
It’s a fire, a fire I cannot put out. 
Sophia, Sophia, I’m learning that some things 
I can’t go without 
And one of those is him. 

And you, with your new born eyes, 
Have you ever loved a man like I love him? 
Do you hurt, but still feel alive 
Like never before? 
Oh Sophia! Sophia! 
Sophia, Sophia, I’m burning, I’m burning 
It’s a fire, a fire I cannot put out. 
Sophia, Sophia, I’m learning that some things 
I can’t go without 
I can’t go without him.
- Sophia by Nerina Pallot

Lea... In love with Cebu. Mel... In love with Lea

marmelc@yahoo.com — Mon, 19 Feb 2007 07:57:20 GMT

February 14, the overly commercialized day of hearts and love making (pun intended). Valentines day never really bothered me as much back in high school of even grade school, it's just nowadays the marketing for it is just kinda getting out of hand. But hey, if it keeps the economy turning, who am I to complain right? It's just insane how people are treating it like Christmas or New Year or what the hell, Lent even! I usually end up spending Valentines on my own or with a chase-a-thon with my dogs or a nice dinner with friends. But this year, I had something else to look froward to. Better then a truckload of roses or a house made of chocolates and yes, even better than cookies. That, my friends, would be watching a Lea Salonga concert.

So let me tell you the story as to how I manage to get a golden ticket to hear and see the goddess herself descend from whichever immortal portal she came from (because you have to agree, anyone with a voice like that is definitely NOT human). Well, there is only one person to thank for this little trip to heaven on the day of hearts and that is none other than my filled with childlike wonder ASEAN boss himself, and just to annoy him, MISTER Craig Burrows. Originally he bought 3 tickets for me, Sabrina and himself but unfortunetly for him, he couldn't make it on the Lea Salonga concert night (because he had a sort of charity concert in the British Embassy with Cliff Richards. To those who were born in his generation, do not hesitate to enlighten me) so the extra ticket ended up going to Lin, another power P.A that came into play during the ASEAN Business Summit.

So there we were, the three girls swooning over Lea (as pathetic as the image may seem). Our ticket had dinner with it, and the only disappointing thing was that during dinner, the Marie Ernistine kids did a play. If their intentions were to entertain us, we were NOT impress. I don't know about the other people but with Sabrina being in the theater and all and me having almost all of my life revolve around music, we were pretty much keen on pitch and aesthetic value. They did not have any of the aformentioned. Most of the time their singers were just straight out flat and the last time I saw acting that dry was a porn movie's attempt to be like, well, a movie. I dare say, it was quite disappointing for the both of us. The only thing keeping our bums glued to the chair was the arrival of dinner (which they gave off by course). As usual, Sabby and I ended up picking from each other's plates.

Then the moment we were all waiting (and paying) for finally arrived and Ms. Lea Salonga herself took the stage. I have seen Lea last year and during the ASEAN but I swear, I still cannot get over her and her voice. She is just.... *lost in a hazy stare* and Sabrina kept saying she had turn lesbian for the night. I swear, if someone had a heart attack in died in our table while Lea was singing, I wouldn't even bat an eyelash on the dead/dying person's direction. She had guests with her, a Jed Medela (did I get his family name right) who had fantastic dynamics to his voice and John (he plays Thuy in the recent production of Ms. Saigon. Ironically, his wife's name is Melissa) who had an equally mind blowing voice. I just wished the concert went on forever and ever (or until Lea runs out of voice. Either way, it will take quite some time)

The lobby were people body filled after the concert and we manage to get pictures with Jed and being the Ms. Saigon fanatic that I am, I couldn't help but holler out "Thuy!" when I saw him walk past, which was a good thing because it got his attention and I think we wer the only few people there who actually manage to converse with him for more than a minute. He found it interesting that Sabrina could sing and I could play fiddle. He actually gave a comment that I "looked" musically inclined. I never knew there was a physical basis for this. Somebody should do further study on that. John was fun, he was witty and sort of bounces off me and Sabby's wit which did not surprise me because I think it's innate in musicians.

Also spent a few conversations with the band and Gerard Salonga and his wide Dj. The man is still (as were the rest of the manila people) obsessed with CNT lechon and just randomly saying it out loud got Gerard's attention from the other side of the room. Kinda makes you think just how bad the lechon is in Manila. Why am I not surprise. Well we didn't get a chance to have a picture with Ms. Lea but having hear her sing is enough I guess.

A huge thank you and multitudes of gratitude to Craig from me, Sabrina and Lin for giving us something to look forward to on Valentines Night. Though the 3 of us still wish he was there to enjoy the night with us, I guess you can never always get what you want. Then again Gorio, there's always next year! And the year after that, and the year after that, and the year after that and... *trails off in annoying repetition*

Ubay Ubay Ubay (lalalalala)

marmelc@yahoo.com — Sat, 17 Feb 2007 12:20:01 GMT

I went to bohol last weekend for out ruminant production class, which entailed me hauling my ass to a boat at 9 pm (which wouldn't be a matter of complain if I wasn't pushing my luck on the day they we were suppose to leave) Get this, I have not packed or even planned on what to pack in which I ended up being in San Fernando the entire afternoon of the day/night where we were suppose to leave doing Ambassador duty by campaigning in two schools. But no, I didn't stop there, because enrgizer bunny that I am just had to squeeze in 2 violin students for the taking. So ended up arriving home at 8:15 (take note, I have not packed or planned anything at this point) and everything after that was just a blur of clothes fying above my head and shouts of "where's my underwear??!!" filling the Cipres household. Was extremely thankful that my cousin remembered me asking him to bring me to the pier that night (I was up at dawn to bring Daddy to the airport since he had to fly in to Manila for a day)

So there, my cousin ended up driving like a maniac on the way to the pier so that I could get to the boat on time. I think it's an undisclosed Cipres blood that we can at some point, when situations call for it, drive like a total nutcase to get to something on time. I've seen it happen to my dad too many times.

So we got to Ubay, Bohol by 2:30 in the morning. I had considerably lost all feeling from the belly-button down because that place was just effing cold. We were suppose to be housed at the Ubay stock farm proper but apparently it was infested by Visca people whose number sort of outnumbered our own (200 Visci-ians vs. 20 southwesterners, you do the math) and so we ended up near the PCC. Let's just say we sorta roughed it out. I wasn't really complaning because all those camping trips with Dad back when I was a kid had made me get use to roughing it out.

So we spent most of the day hiking up hill getting acquianted with legumes and forages. Yes I know, I'm as bored as you are just imagining the "exciting" life of weeds and grasses. I got bored, let's be honest about that. The afternoon didn't turn out that bad. We went to a goat farm and everytime the dude who did the lecture said "ok, so who would like to try" you will never see a hand shoot out that fast. Hey, I was in Ubay, might as well take advantage of every insane thing they wanted us to try (and what we would apparently be doing in our clinics during farm practice) I injected and declawed a goat, that's as far as I went (because the boys just so wanted to do the de-horning thing. It's a little disturbing. Don't think my hand would shoot out that fast for that)

It was the sunday events that really got me hyped. Aside from the fact that it started with me and a few vet students riding on top of the bus, I finally was able to do the coveted arm up cow's ass thing. I'm telling you, it was summer in cowville. Warm is probably an understatement. And cow dung isn't as bad as you thought it would be. Then again, I've never shy-ed away from cow dung so...

The best part was when were wrestling with cows. I got so frustrated because the first time I tried to twist a cow's head so that I could get it to the ground was such a miserble failure (let's just say I couldn't twist it and the cow ended up winning) that for the entire afternoon I was determined to at least get it twisted once and have it tied down. I swear, I kept (annoyingly) coaxing the girls to do the rope thing and the carambola thing (where you guys chase a cow around the pen with nothing but your bare hands and wrestle it to the ground. Use your imagination) and I did manage to do it! You would see an image of small girl with her bum on a cow's face, holding that cow's head down and hollering "I got you bitch! I got you! Ha! Who's your daddy now!?"

For some reason, the boys enjoyed watching the girls wrestle the cow down. I have no idea why...

30 (supposedly) unknown secrets. Well... looks like their not secrets anymore!

marmelc@yahoo.com — Sat, 17 Feb 2007 11:03:45 GMT

1.What does your Name mean?
Melissa I think is bee in Greek and Cipres is the spanish spelling of Cypres which is the tree which would make the a bee-tree. What the f*ck????!!!!

2. What's your current problem?
does world domination count?

3. What's your middle name?
Abelgas, and no I have no idea if we're related to Gus Abelgas.

4. What is your current relationship
status?
ah yes, the million euro question...

5.Honestly, does your crush like you
back?
well your crush wouldn't be a crush no more if you knew that

6. What is your current mood?
that the world hates me and currently wants my under a pile of cow dung

7. What do you love most?
people I've come to fall in love with

8. What makes you happy?
puppies!!!!

9. Are you musically inclined
does singing in the shower in an attempt on noise pollution count?

10. If you could go back in time, and
change something, what would it be and
why?
back when I was a toodler. I would drink more milk, so I would be taller haha!

11. If you had to be an animal for one
day, what would you be?
A horse, and I'd neigh all day and just run wild. Not to mention me having a killer back kick!

12. Ever have a near death experience?
somewhat, me and my bestfriend Abigail almost got banged by a truck while I was driving. His fault, he overtook at top speed without checking if they were other vehicles on the other side. I swear, I swerved that cab so fast if their were any cars beside us it would total metal clashing to metal

13. Name something you do a lot?
Laugh

14. What's the name of the song that's
stuck in your head right now?
Don't really know the title but it has the lyrics "so fire so fire I'm burning...."

15. Who did you copy and paste this
from?
I refuse to name the person for assholic reasons

16. Name someone with the same b-day
as you.
Halle Berry, 1966. Hey, you asked!

18. Have you ever sang in front of a
large
audience?
unfortunetly yes, and I wash my hands off any side effects of such

20. What's the first thing you notice
about the OPPOSITE sex?
eyes, it's a Mel-thing

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or
TV shows?
for the record they are NOT kiddy movies! They are educational media enhancers for less developed primates! ha!

26. Do you have braces?
never needed one. Thank for God for genetics

27. Are you comfortable with your
weight?
I am borderlining between yes and no

28. Do you speak any other languages?
not much, just Cebuano, Tagalog and English. I should have listened to the spanish lesson Lola tried to teach me....

29. What's your favorite smell?
Rain...

30. who do you think will re-post this?
it is not my place to predict the future

The seven deadly sins (and here I was under the impression there was more)

marmelc@yahoo.com — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 05:28:37 GMT

PRIDE

Have you ever thought you were better
than anybody else?
~ doesn't everybody at some point? It's horrible, I know, but it does happen. LIve with it.

How many competitive sports do you do,
and what are they?
~ Aren't all sports competitive? I mean, it wouldn't be a sport if you weren't competing with somone at some point now would it?

When in a group, is it your way or no
way?
~ One way, or another, I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you get you get you get you, one way or.. ok, I'll stop singing now...

How much time do you spend in front of
the mirror?
~ what is this mirror you speak of? Is it some newly formed metal from planet Pluto?

What religion are you in?
~ roman catholic, by force, but having very strong inclinations to the teachings of Buddha

When you are sitting in your place of
worship, do you actually listen?
~ sometimes, when it's something worth listening to. I'm not exactly a the best example of a Roman Catholic

Do you show good sportsmanship or do
you rub it in their face?
~ Never really liked rubbing things in faces...

Do you tend to love yourself?
~ I do. I also talk to myself, bath myself, groom myself, dress myself and... well, you get the picture

Can you be vain?
~ when the occasion calls for it, but I try and avoid it as much as I can

Are you arrogant in some ways?
~ oh hell yeah. I'm not particularly proud of it but sometimes some people piss me off that it just kinda erupts

Do you HAVE to be the best?
~ I want to be, but I know what my limits are (and try to extend it hehehe)

Does the pride of others bother you?
~ very much so because I for one understand pride very well. It's not so much as my zoidic sign but much on my upbringing. I think that it's safe to assume that "Cipres'" have a potentially high pride (which gets us into trouble more or less)

ENVY

Do you wish you could be in someone
else's shoes?
~ sometimes, don't we all wish for those things we don't have? It's human nature to be insatiable

When someone gets a gift, do you often
wish it was yours?
~ if it's a Baskin and Robbin's Chocolate Chip cookie, hell yeah!

If you had one wish, would it be for a
personal item?
~ actually no. Does wishing for a better and bigger memory a personal item? (becasue that way I get to remember faces and names better. Not to mention medical terminologies)

Do you want to be a celebrity just for
the stuff you get?
~ only of I can give those stuff away. I could cheer up a lot of friends and family that way

Have you ever used someone for their
stuff?
~ hmmm... making friends to a stranger just to use their bathroom... isn't there some rule to exempt that?

Do you wish to be a model so people
will look at you?
~ wait... model equals added height yes? So indirectly the question is, would you like added height? My anwer? Y.E.S!!!!!!!

Have you ever used prayer so God will
give you something?
~ guily as sin on this one

ANGER

What makes you angry?
~ ooohh, don't even get me started...

What do you do when you are angry?
~ Chicken. Knife. Use your imagination.

Are you an angry person?
~ if situations push me to it... why deny the emotion?

Do people fear you when you are angry?
~ I never really asked. Part of me doesn't want to know.

Do you have a short fuse?
~ Fuse? I have a fuse? Where? *turns around looking for missing fuse*

Have people told you you need anger
management?
~ who needs anger management when you've got chickens?

Have you ever gotten in a verbal fight?
~ let me count the ways...

Have you ever gotten in a physical
fight?
~ I refuse to answer that question

SLOTH

How often do you do nothing?
~ as often as I do everything

Do you enjoy doing manual labor?
~ it's good exercise. Not to mention a good way to avoid boredom

Do you sleep a lot?
~ I'm a serial sleeper during lazy days

Have you fallen asleep in class?
~ I don't remember. Hmm... must have dozed off

How many hours of TV do you watch?
~ who the hell keeps a log book on the amount of hours you spend in front of the T.V???!!! That's why they call it wasting time, because you don't keep TRACK of time

Have you ever had to do something but
said oh, I'm too lazy?
~ I try to use a "different" word

you ever use the term, I'll do it
later?
~ I love thesauruses, don't you?

Do you actually do what you're told?
~ now wouldn't life be just monotonous if you did?

GREED

Do you love money?
~ sinfully, I do. Only because I would want to spend them on people. The amount of plane tickets I could buy...

Do you love it more than people?
~ ok, I don't love money THAT bad

Do you want power?
~ if your on a life quest for world domination, I think it's a given factor

If it comes down to it, for love or
money?
~ wasn't there a show about this on Star world?

Do you donate to a charity?
- randomly

GLUTTONY

Are you self-indulgent?
~ Melissa can be very persuasive sometimes...

Do you overeat?
~ I am happy to say that when my tummy can't handle it, I listen

Do you know when enough is enough?
~ I have a good relationship with my nervous system

What is your favorite food?
~ so many! so long as I'm not allergic to it or I don't end up getting an asthma attack or any form of attack for that matter

What is your favorite drink?
~ Rootbeer!

When you see something that you like,
do you have to have it?
~ I would want to have but I also know that there are some things your not meant to have and I acknowledge that

LUST

Are you into porn?
~ let's not go there...

What are your sexual fantasies?
~ wouldn't you want to know? *evil grin*

Do you feel something when someone in
the opposite sex hold your hand?
~ yes, it's called sweaty palms (or cold hands if your in a freezing place). Oh com'n, if you don't "feel" anything when someone (opposite or not) holds your hand I say go see a Doctor. Pronto!

When you hear the word libido what's
the first thing that pops into your
mind?
~ Ricky Martin shaking his "bon-bon" *dies laughing*

It's a random thing

marmelc@yahoo.com — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 04:58:37 GMT

I would just like to randomly say...

that I like my Bra today! Gives a whole new meaning to the word "support"

*big happy face*

Hilarious News!

marmelc@yahoo.com — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 04:04:53 GMT

Lusting for an Olsen Hagar

marmelc@yahoo.com — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 02:41:50 GMT

Had an interesting practical exam in Surgery yesterday (then again, anything practical in surgery for me is interesting). There was a choice of 10 Suture patterns (Simple interrupted, Horizontal, Vertical, Cross, Simple continuous, Running, Ford interlocking, Continuous everting, Far-near Near-far and Far-far Near-near). Each one was given 3 Suture patterns in which you had to make 5 stitches each at a given time limit. This was how hyped up I was in stabbing a needle down a piece of meat that I totally ignored the fact that we were all wearing our scrub suits for the very first time.

Now you have to understand, the scrub suits were something we were lusting for since we discovered that we would be wearing it when we got to a higher year (which would be… um… like… nowz) so it was amusing to think that we all paid no heed to this thing that we all had been fantasizing about when we were in 1st year pre-med.

So there I was, on my surgical table with a piece of tenderloin meat I had halved (to get rid of the fat because trust me, you don’t want to dig your needle into a piece of fat. You’ll end up wasting a lot of time trying to get the needle out the other end) with my first incision ready to start suturing. I ended up doing vertical, cross and simple continuous. The vertical and cross I had practiced at home with a piece of pillow and left over cross-stitch thread but I had never done (or even attempted) a simple continuous so yes, I was nervous as hell.

The doc was laughing when he saw all our shaky hands trying to get the darn silk thread into the friggin eye of the needle and jutting it into the piece of meat. He said the shaking meant we were excited which was a good thing. I personally just blamed it on all the coffee I had downed my entire life.

It’s almost like T.H.E only the needle is curved, you are not allowed to make a knot at the end of the thread (you had to “tie it off”) and your cloth is a piece of meat, which would it mean it was very unstable and soft. And there, in the middle of tie-ing it off and sticking the needle back in, did I keep lusting on an Olsen Hagar.

An Olsen Hagar is a surgical tool contraption that is a needle holder and a scissor in one. It drastically cuts surgical time probably in half since you won’t have to keep putting aside your needle holder (or thumb forceps) to grab a scissor and then placing aside that scissor to get back what you just placed aside to exchange the scissor with. I have scourged, maimed, bribed and wailed at every Medical supplier in Cebu in search for this coveted Olsen Hagar and the outcome was always the same. Apparently there is no available Olsen Hagar in the entire island of Cebu. *cries at the heavens* why? WHY?!

I swear, it should be sinful to covet at something that much.

Presenting, my new fantasy lover, Mr. Olsen Hagar (right next to Mr. Colgate…)

And no I am not sick to lust over an inanimate object and I refuse to apologize for it. If you only knew the things that Mr. Olsen Hagar can do…. *lost in a dreamy haze*

Depression should have it's own seperate Canto

marmelc@yahoo.com — Tue, 23 Jan 2007 07:09:38 GMT

I had my descent on depression last night. Trust me when I say that it was NOT a pretty sight (let's just say that the last time I cried that hard was when Deri broke up with me). I think I have suitably used up my tear glands that I cannot possibly cry anymore for the rest of the year. Don't get me wrong, I do not like depression. It's like taking away Santa's natural feeling of giving gifts. Everything has just been going horribly wrong on my end since the year started. I could enumerate them all but something tells me seeing the words form in front of my face would not be a very therapeutic thing. Yes, I am afraid of a relapse.

Maybe that's why I prefer to be depressed alone. I end up hurting people when I'm depress, and I do not like that. And since the only people I actually permit to get close to me when I'm depress are my friends, it sucks even more knowing I'm hurting people I love. I know how it feels like being the one to see a depressed friend, and it's not a very good feeling. I turn suicidal when I'm depress. I just entertain these thoughts of ending my life and telling myself I'm useless. I know I shouldn't. But I do anyway.

The victim of my depression last night was Craig.

Trust me when I tell you, you cannot fathom the guilt I feel when I woke up in the morning and found out I had been threatening suicide to someone in Manila. It's bad enough I'm threatening to end my life, even worst for Craig knowing he's an island apart and he can't just drive to my house and slap me back to my senses (trust me, at that rate I needed all the slapping I could get) I was too embarrassed to tell the Lusus. I did not want to destroy their evening or cut out whatever fun they might be doing at that moment. Which makes me even more guilty as to why I dumped this all on Craig. I swear, that man has problems of his own and I was too insensitive to think about that first before threatening cyanide/arsenic/mix both drinking.

I hope God forgives me for insistingly tempting him to take my life

I hope Craig forgives me for letting him go through that horrid evening

I hope my friends forgive me for even entertaining suicide. I know it's extremely selfish for me to do so.

I'm back to my old self now and trying my darnest not to go into a relapse. I am trying to avoid a repeat of that incident. Depression is not pretty. Mel in a depressed state is an even uglier picture.